Waking up in a police cell

It’s a beautiful sunny day but inside the cells it’s dark and damp, the air tinged with the scent of mould and blocked drains. A police officer is banging on the bars of one of the cells with the butt of his pistol.

…

You you! Hey you! Stannup!

What? Where? Gak! God, my head hurts. Where am I?

You in poleet suhtayshun. You bad man. Now you BIG pompem.

Problem? What? God, please give me some water. And some painkillers.

I no God. I poleet man.

Please, sir, Mr Policeman, could I have some water and some painkillers?

Okay, okay. You wait na.

…

Water. And pin.

Oh, thank you, thank you. Now, heh heh… what seems to be the trouble, officer?

You get dunk. Now you han-over.

Yes, I figured that out for myself. But what am I doing in a police station?

You fye wit fie ladyboy. Big fye in kala okay.

Me? Fight five katoeys in a karaoke? No way! I never fight with anyone. And I’ve never in my life been in a karaoke. Are you sure you got the right guy?

You name Done Can Burger, chai mai?

Duncan Burgess? Yes.

In kala okay you saying “I Done Can Burger. You corn me Suhpiederman.”

You can call me Spiderman…?

Dat what you say. Then you jum on taybun and hit man with bottun.

Which man? Who did I hit with a bottle?

Man singing. You say he sing no good.

He must have been a very bad singer. He was probably singing Leaving On A Jet Plane. I really hate that song. Or Hotel California.

He say you sing no good too. Hurt ear. An you shouting “I wan Bee tun!”

Well, you got to admit, Beatles music is a hell of a lot better than the Carpenters’.

Who Bee tun?

You never heard of the Beatles??? Best band in the world, man. Fab! Gear!

You cray see.

Er, where did the ladyboys come in?

Not come in. Already in. You take come.

They came with me? Oh God. This is terrible. But if they came with me how come I ended up fighting with them?

You satean pan tee.

I stole a pair of knickers from one of them???

And put in head.

I put them on my head? Naw, you’re kidding.

No kidding. Stiw in head now.

What? Uh… Ack!!

Katoey say must pay new pan tee. Meun baht.

10,000 baht for a pair of panties? You have to be kidding. What are they? Gucci or something?

No Goochee. Were sase.

Versace? Oh God. Listen, can I make a phone call?

You got phone you can make.

I don’t know where it is. Do you guys have it?

No hab.

Can I use your phone?

Cannot. Phone for poleet one.

Please! Please! I need to phone my girlfriend Susie to get me out of here.

Cannot. She no hab phone.

What? What do you mean?

She also lock. Come here say she wan kiew you. She werry angry you. We lock her stop her kiew you.

But… was she in the karaoke too?

No. Go sopping. Say meet in Muck Doe Now two our. You no come. She go look, see you hit poleet man…

What? Now you’re saying I hit a policeman too?

Hit two, but not bad.

What were the police doing there? Surely the katoeys did not call them?

No. Owner kala okay, he corn. Say have pompem farang wit no clode.

No clothes? Hang on. How did we get to that?

Wen you say you Suhpiederman all peepun larf you. So you take of clode to show you Suhpiederman soot. But you no hab.

I took my clothes off to show people my Spiderman suit? I really don’t think I believe this.

Beleeb. Why I lie you?

So how deep in trouble am I?

Hit man wit bottun, maybe sick munt. Satean pan tee, sick munt. No clode in public plate fie hun dead baht. Hit poleet fie towsan baht. And bake kala okay machine sick munt. Maybe one yeah an fie towsan fie hun dead baht.

I broke the karaoke player? How did I do that?

Wen you tay out pent, pompem wit shoo. You forn ower.

I fell over when I was taking my pants off over my shoes?

Ya.

Oh Lord. What do I do now? How can I set things right?

Mo men. Khun Soo see, enuff? Okay? Okay. I taew him.

Susie? Susie is that you? Is what enough?

She no tok you. But she taew me taew you now you okay. No pompem.

What do you mean? One minute I’m facing years in jail then the next you talk to Susie, who’s also locked up and there’s no problem???

Khun Soo see no lock. I jorking. She ask me lock you. You werry dunk and making her werry sad. So I say okay. Den she ask me taew you funny satory. You come ow now. And gib pan tee to Khun Soo see. Dey fom her.

Funny? This is funny? I wake up in a jail cell, you scare me half to death and then you say it’s FUNNY? Susie? This is your idea? You &#%$*!

I no no word &#%$*. Wot meaning?

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