Tinglish in the spa

Good upternoon, madam.

Good afternoon. I’d like a massage, please. Well, you know that of course – why else would I be here?

Yers, madam. Do massart here. Many udder ting too. Skub. Fay shun. Follow me peat. In here. Peat siddow.

Thank you. Gosh, it’s very luxurious in here, isn’t it? All these pillars and elephants and fountains – it looks like a Roman palace.

Not Loman, ka. Fom mittican forgotten empie of Phuketia. See? On spa maynoo hab history.

Oh, thank you. Gosh. The mythical forgotten empire of Phuketia? How fascinating. And a complete thousand-year history in three paragraphs. Someone must have remembered something about it, then.

Yers madam. Wot massart you lie? Today hab speshun. Phuketia Ayoolawaydick Eelang Eelang wit Ling Weenie Scub

Special of the day is an ayuravedic ylang-ylang with linguini scrub? Um. Perhaps something less exotic? Less, er, Indian-Malay-Italian, perhaps?

You hab poblem witchoo back or you neck or someting? Can fick.

No, I don’t really have any aches or pains. After all, how much damage can you do lying on the beach 12 hours a day? Ha ha ha! No, I’m really looking for something relaxing. My husband and son have gone off to Ton Sai to try out the zip line there…

Accuse me? Sip lie?

Yes, it’s a cable going through the forest, and you hang onto a special handle thingie with wheels, and slide down the cable.

K zee!

Crazy? Well, it’s a guy thing, you know.

Guy orn k zee.

I would have to agree with you. They’re all barking mad. Not to mention being a bit throw-back. I mean, imagine spending good money to behave like a ape. Anyway, when they come back all sweaty and shaking with excitement, I want to look cool as a cucumber and fresh as a daisy. What do you recommend?

No hab day see, but hab cucumber fate mark. For body, how bow mango an staw belly massart?

Mango and strawberry? I’m tempted, but is there something a bit less like a fruit salad?

How bow chocolet? Werry rukshury. Satart wit Jacoozi 15 minit, den body skub wit M an M…

M&Ms? How can you scrub someone’s body with M&Ms? They’re round and smooth, and they’re designed to melt only in your mouth, aren’t they?

Terra pit samat dem. So a litten bit scatchy, but werry good for defolian.

Smashed M&Ms. Okay. Now I understand. And I think you mean exfoliant, don’t you? I hope so. Or maybe this is the Agent Orange Chocolate Massage? Hee hee…

I no unnerstan.

Never mind. So after the M&Ms?

Upter M an M, 90-minnit massart wit warm chocolet. Her she.

Her she?

Her she chocolet.

Ah. Hershey’s. Isn’t that a bit cheap? I mean, this is a luxury massage, isn’t it?

Can do wit Walrona 80 percen coco if you wan. Same same Her she for massart. Only taste is differen.

Okay. I see what you mean. If my husband was here with me, then maybe we would have the 80-percent Valrhona, eh? Then we wouldn’t need any supper afterwards.

Wot!? Ah! I tink you jorking me.

Yes. I was joking. Though the idea does have its appeal, don’t you think?

Solly. Good Thai girn not tinking like dat. See? You making me red fate.

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you. So, after the chocolate massage, what happens next?

After chocolate hab mint fay shun. Speshun to stopping line in fate. Making you looking younger, sure.

Chocolate, then a mint facial. Sounds good. Can I have a brandy with that? Hee hee…

Can. No pompem. But extra, na? Bandy not in may noo.

Never mind. I was joking again.

Solly. No unnerstan falang funny.

I know. Farang have a weird sense of humour. I’ll try to be serious. So is that it? Or is there more?

More. Before finit hab min bart.

Min bart?

Min. White dink fom cow. Put in bart.

Ah! A milk bath. That sounds positively fabulous. Decadently Roman, even.

No, Thai cow. Not Loman.

That’s fine. I think this will be perfect for relaxing me ready for the return to the planet of the apes.

Ape?

Husband and son.

Ah. You jorking me again. Mo men peat. I get choo terra pit. Can pay me now, peat? Fie tow san baht.

One, two, three, four, five thousand. Here you are. Er, should I tip the therapist?

Up to you. She do werry good, maybe you tip.

Okay. Thanks. I’ll wait here.

…

Here you terra pit. Peat follow her. She show you to you teat men loom.

Thank you very much. Does she speak any English?

She speaking a littun. But I tink you no wan long torking, na.

That’s true. So long as she can shake me awake in time for my milk bath. By the way, what’s her name?

Her name Jib.

Chocolate. Jib. Oh now, that’s perfect!!

© Copyright Alasdair Forbes 2008-2009

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